It's flickering outside. Off to the south, there is a big thunderstorm going on. There are severe weather warnings and even a tornado somewhere off to the west-southwest. It's been that sort of day - stormy with flickers of light...
"I love the sky, deep and blue by day, dark and infinite by night..."
These are the first words in The Cosmic Bridge. They begin a long train of thought about mystery, and possibly even understanding of something brand new. But one thing that the words don't speak of - that time when the sky is neither blue nor starry - when it is stormy, rainy and full of lightning and thunder. And the last few days have been like that.
I think I have learned a lot in the last few days. Some of it has been technical - learning more about my new project at work (the day job) and realizing how much more I have to learn before I feel confident in that new environment. Another thing I have learned has been political - gaining more insight into the politics of large-corporate-America, the place I lovingly call CubeWorld. I realize that, regardless of how well I do at my job, I will always be "merely" a technical contributor. And as a senior staffer in my current company this will always be a handicap. I'm just not political enough. Yet, while that may be a handicap in CubeWorld, I believe that in my overall role in life, that is a good thing.
Today I got a couple of interesting nibbles at the possibility of a different day job (hope my boss never reads this). It turns out that the req was from a smaller company (the headhunter wouldn't say who, of course) and was for a junior engineer. I was a bit too senior for them, like about twenty years too senior. Yet it got me to thinking - in another company, would I do better? Getting away from the hierarchical CubeWorld-esque politics of my present company, would I do just fine as a project lead and architect? About 10 years ago, I really loved engineering, including being a lead. Is it possible that, with the right cube in CubeWorld, I could do so again? Or has my life path so completely changed direction that the a job higher up in the hierarchy (where I'm supposed to be in my present company) is simply no longer 'me'? I'm not sure, but in doubt, there is also understanding - a flicker of lightning in a distant sky...
I like where I am at the present time. Thus, much of my kvetching is really about the overall culture of CubeWorld, especially in my old role (yeah, the one in my old blog, where I got the excremental review a few months back). What I have mostly disliked is the sense of always being judged, of needing to look better than your peers when "calibration" time comes. Each moment, in whatever you do, you have to think of how that would look on your next review. There is the right thing to do, and the career-expedient thing to do. And as I've found out, the two are sometimes very different indeed.
Still, I have enjoyed my new role, developing and maintaining software for tools in our group. I like rolling up my sleeves and getting into the nuts and bolts of the software (and now, of the electronics). I am an engineer at heart, but I am also a healer. I would dearly love to be able to combine the two in a way in which I could learn alot, create and develop new ideas, and be at peace (and in synergy) with the organization where I work. I think about that each time the phone rings, and each time I understand a little more. It is one of those flickers of light in the storm clouds - I love the sky.
In the last couple of weeks, I have also had some interesting breakthroughs in the hypnotherapy world. I'm sure I could use some sales training (another major but sobering realization), but as a hypnotherapist - once again, as a technical expert getting things done - I dare say that I excel. And the last two weeks have brought me affirming and heart-warming reinforcement for that notion.
In a nano-interview with a radio station last week the DJ asked me what I most loved about being a hypnotist. My response was the feeling when I observe (and experience) healing take place. And several recent cases have truly reminded me of exactly this point - of just why I do hypnotic healing work.
In each case, I pursued the multiphased "path" methodologies of hypnotherapy, developed by the Banyan Hypnosis Center. Initially, this involves taking a client back in regression to the initial sensitizing event (the ISE), and then inviting them to reframe the experience. Often we reframe through a process called "Child in the heart". This involves the person's "inner child" (the piece of consciousness build around their childhood experiences). In each case, this little child, who had felt alone and unloved, a bundle of pain at the very core of the person's heart, was emotionally held tight against the adult client's heart and soul. Often this is described to me like being held by the mother they never had, and in each case, the resulting outpouring of love and understanding was a heart-wrenchingly beautiful thing to behold.
Next came forgiveness-of-others (or FOO, in "path" lingo). The result, again, was what one client referred to as one of the most profound things he had ever experienced. Like the other clients of recent days, this man suddenly realized just what motivated the person who had mistreated him early in life. He felt a sudden flash of insight, a quantum hyperjump of forgiveness in his heart and soul.
Whenever I see this forgiveness occur, it looks as if someone lifted a 50 pound weight off the person's shoulders. When one person got out of the chair at the close of the session, I could clearly see that he stood taller. Often the person feels lighter and more agile - and above all, feels free. And all of this is because of that little flicker of lunderstanding, like a glimpse of distant lightning in the clouds.
Both in hypnotic healing work and in just about any other endeavor or life challenge, a moment comes when we realize the joy that comes when the long journey has finally reached a turning point. For some, that turning point may be the whole purpose. For others, it is merely the accidental discovery that the journey through darkness had a reason, and that reason can be forgiven. Sometimes that flicker of understanding is enough. It allows one to cast aside the weight of anger and shame that bears down the shoulders and burdens the heart. We cast aside the burden and are free.
The distant lightning is beautiful. This evening I loved watching the storm in the distance, seeing how the flickers of light frame the clouds. It shows how the billowy clouds of the storm have a beauty all their own - even as they may bring drenching rain and perhaps even destruction to those beneath them. They have their purpose and their role in God's creation.
It is a beautiful flicker of understanding in a distant sky, an understanding of just how much I have learned, and how far I have to go. I love the sky...
