This week, for reasons that will become apparent, I've been thinking a lot about the idea of judgement. It's a very heavily loaded concept, full of less-than-positive connotations, and even less positive results.
In one sense, judgement is the capacity to discern the best course of action, how to act and/or say in a given situation. It is the fine art of decision making. In another way, judgement is often what we decide about others. We observe them and form opinions. We then think, speak and act accordingly.
Judgement is often unintentional - we often judge people without knowing we are doing it. And yet we act accordingly. I have seen this in just about every interpersonal interaction, both my own and others. People judge other people, I judge others and others judge me - often occurring beneath conscious awareness.
I had an experience some time ago, where I received some unsolicited feedback/criticism from a person who I have always considered a friend. I think the person still is, but I was surprised by the comments. For several days it left me wondering - did I screw up somehow? Was I somehow fundamentally wrong or flawed? Her comments had opened an old would and it took me a few days of healing before I was able to put her words in context. At that point I realized my friend was simply applying the same lenses to me that I probably apply to others.
In this case, my friend had formed an opinion of me, based upon something I was saying at the time. She is not a close friend, but our relationship has always been cordial and positive. In this case, she was not comfortable with my being extraverted, enthusiastic, talkative, etc. In addition, during the social gathering we had both attended, I had paid her a compliment. I think she had misread my intentions, thinking I was interested in something I was not (enough said there). Her note to me was kind but very clear. Her words told me she had concluded - judged - my intentions. Yet they had not been what she believed.
Each of us are who we are. We have our own unique personalities, our own strengths and weaknesses. We present ourselves to others in our own unique ways, and usually leave positive impressions on others. Yet occasionally, others' impressions are otherwise. In this case, based upon her own point of view, her reactions were non-positive. Based upon her own internal model of what/how a person should be, she had formed a judgement of me and who I was.
Many years ago, I learned a life-changing teaching during a workshop on Steven Covey's 7-Habits. The teaching was "Seek first to understand, then to be understood." It is something I have endeavored to follow ever since. While I certainly am not perfect at it, I have found it to be one of the best teachings I have ever received.
A corollary of this teaching is that it is usually best to delay judgement of another as long as possible. We can observe and interact as appropriate to the circumstances. Yet do we really know what is going on within another person's world? Do we really know their life story? Probably not. Any conclusion we make about another person is almost certainly based upon incomplete information, as well as our own internal lenses.
After a couple of days of pondering this, it got me to thinking - how many times have I done this to others? How often have I - or others around me - concluded the intentions of others based on incomplete or incorrect informations? Based upon times I have been misunderstood, how many times have I (or anyone else) misunderstood someone's intentions and reacted incorrectly? My bet is that it occurs much more often than we think.
The lesson to me was clear. Delay conclusions and opinions of others as much as possible. Allow yourself to learn as much as possible, be aware and mindful as much as we can. Observe as much as possible, then be as kind as possible.
I hope I can follow this teaching as well as I can type it in this blog. Being a planet full of human beings, I'm sure somewhere out there, someone will observe - and probably judge - the result.
